A Sit Down Interview with Jack Donaghy
Ella Bing had the chance to sit down and chat with former GE and Kabletown, Executive Jack Donaghy.
Jack Donaghy: Remind me after this interview to fire my publicist. I shouldn't be conducting interviews with a bow tie company, who let you in here? Fox News and CEO Weekly, these are the outlets I should be giving my time to. I'll tell you what...I will give you a New York minute, that's 7 seconds...GO!
Ella Bing: Well let us start out by saying we are big fans...
JD: Let me stop you right there...I wrote the book on flattery, perhaps you've read it? "How to Get Jacked-Off, the sport of flattery, by Jack Donaghy" So let's cut out the cute stuff and stop trying to butter me up.
EB: Ok, tell us a little bit about what molded you, what made you the man you are today.
JD: I grew up the son of a working-class single mother in Boston, put myself through Princeton on a “handsomeness scholarship” and by working the day shift at a graveyard and the graveyard shift at a Days Inn, then made my way to Harvard Business School and GE’s management training program.
Let me tell you something Bing...The world is made up of those who control their own destiny, it isn't made up by those that don't do, but those who do, do, which made me the man i am, I..do, do.
EB: Jack, can we call you Jack?
JD: Absolutely not.
EB: Can you speak about your business acumen and of course your hair?
JD: I didn't get a bathroom door that looks like a part of a wall, from being bad at business. And let me tell you another thing, the secret to a strong, healthy head of hair is dove blood. Did you know, men with a full set of hair, on average earn 17% more than their bald counterparts?
EB: You've been known to dress incredibly well, something, here at Ella Bing we can appreciate. Can you touch on that?
JD: I always wear a tuxedo after 6pm, less be confused for a farmer. When I dress well, I feel well, when I feel well, I dominate the board room, when I dominate the board room, I make a lot of money, when I make a lot of money, it attracts much younger, more attractive models, when THAT happens...(laughing) well I think you get the idea.
EB: You've been known to exude confidence, how do you handle all that machismo?
JD: We all have ways of coping, I use sex and awesomeness. It's not easy when you have mighty impressive mind grapes as myself. Sometimes I just like to pour a scotch, and stand wistfully staring out my 43rd floor window.
EB: Lets talk about faith, we understand you have a renewed outlook.
JD: I have faith in things I can see and buy and deregulate, by the way, your shoes are definitely bi-curious.
EB: Jack, talk to us about your ambitions, what drives you?
JD: Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love, and eat them in order to stay alive. You'll do fine in life, Bing...as long as you follow my Three Ds: Discretion, Docility, and Don't Use My Bathroom.
EB: You had a bit of a fling with former Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, what was that like?
JD: That's something I do not want to talk about, like soccer, jazz or infidelity. I will say just one thing...She had the brain of a man and an ass of a french teenager.
EB: Let me ask you this...
JD: Is this interview almost over? You know I am missing out on Gretchen Carlson's documentary on Ronald Reagan, the greatest Republican to ever live, minus Abe. Watching Gretchen work her magic always get's me business drunk, it's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive.
And another thing, this interview was a complete waste my time, like learning french or kissing after sex...
EB: Jack...it was a pleasure. Any final words of wisdom?
JD: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
EB: Jack Donaghy everyone...
- Brent Kraus